Ireland's cocaine crisis - quick, somebody send for the Sindo...

Thanks to reading the Sunday Independent, we all know that literally everybody in Ireland is out of their minds on cocaine. In fact, Sunday Independent phone polls indicate that, if you are reading this from a computer in Ireland, you are almost certain to believe that you can fly.

In a catch-all headline that must have had editor Aengus Fanning smirking in the mirror for days, the newspaper recently claimed to have uncovered "proof" (or, at least, the Sindo's version of proof) that the cocaine crisis was behind Ireland's rocketing murder rates, crumbling health system chaos, and admittedly declining road death problem. This was indeed shocking news, and in no way just an attempt to fit every media buzz word into one headline.

In that very same edition, the newspaper claimed that Irish housewives were now becoming hooked on cocaine out of boredom. Not content with having to make tea and iron their man's clothes, mna na Eireann are now snorting their lives away. Hole In The Dam blames the cancellation of Live At Three for this truly worrying situation.

And it's getting worse. As our picture shows, cocaine is now so rife that it can be found not only on every street corner, but now on every field, hedge and passing red truck.

It really is time that somebody outside of Independent News & Media started thinking of the children.