Not funny headline of the day

Someone at Annanova.com has a sick sense of humour. Stuck in the middle of the quirky headline section - usually reserved for stories detailing nudity, animals or both - comes this "gem":

"Girl, 5, asks police for help with drunk parents".

Let's hope Annanova isn't at the next Childline press conference.

Echo, echo, echo

So, it's been a while since I last posted. Of course, the fact that nobody reads this could lead to all sorts of questions about the logic in posting at all. But logic has never been my thing. And besides, my two loyal readers have both made enquiries about my online absense.

"Has the dam finally burst?", they asked.

Fear not, for while the hole is widening, the dam remains in place.

And just to prove it, here's a picture of me taken yesterday.

Ireland's cocaine crisis - quick, somebody send for the Sindo...

Thanks to reading the Sunday Independent, we all know that literally everybody in Ireland is out of their minds on cocaine. In fact, Sunday Independent phone polls indicate that, if you are reading this from a computer in Ireland, you are almost certain to believe that you can fly.

In a catch-all headline that must have had editor Aengus Fanning smirking in the mirror for days, the newspaper recently claimed to have uncovered "proof" (or, at least, the Sindo's version of proof) that the cocaine crisis was behind Ireland's rocketing murder rates, crumbling health system chaos, and admittedly declining road death problem. This was indeed shocking news, and in no way just an attempt to fit every media buzz word into one headline.

In that very same edition, the newspaper claimed that Irish housewives were now becoming hooked on cocaine out of boredom. Not content with having to make tea and iron their man's clothes, mna na Eireann are now snorting their lives away. Hole In The Dam blames the cancellation of Live At Three for this truly worrying situation.

And it's getting worse. As our picture shows, cocaine is now so rife that it can be found not only on every street corner, but now on every field, hedge and passing red truck.

It really is time that somebody outside of Independent News & Media started thinking of the children.

Headline of the day

From ireland.com breaking news:

'Journalist seeks jail for eating chocolate'

Good to see NUJ members cooperating with the organisation's new get-tough policy on the horizontally challenged.

Hole In The Dam is compiling a list of offenders for forwarding to NUJ Towers. The cells will be full by morning...

Ireland's latest football tantrum

One man battling to keep his finger in the dam these days is Republic of Ireland football manager Stephen Staunton. Of course, whether Stephen - the artist formerly known as 'Stan' but now commonly referred to, in our best Louth accents, as 'The Gaffer' - created the hole in the first place is a matter for debate.

But who needs informed debate when you can have mindless ranting?

No one does hissy-fits like the Irish - and, by gosh, are we having one now. The general election and the impending collapse of the health system all must wait, for what is really important is why Ireland only scraped a win against the impenetrable defence of San Marino.

While the football lovers of Ireland - generally made identifiable through their alleged in-depth knowledge of the English Premier League - contemplate rolling tanks onto the street, they have, rather conveniently, totally missed the point.

A debate about the health of Irish football would be most welcome, but perhaps it is telling that the current debate is being led almost exclusively by devotees of Sky Sports. The only intelligent comments to arise out of this entire affair have been generated by supporters of the Eircom League, who rightfully point to the deeper malaise in the game in Ireland as the real issue.

The following quotes from the mostly unintentionally hilarious message board foot.ie should point the debate in the proper direction:

"There is no earthly reason why we should have one of the best teams in Europe. In fact, given our quite atypical sporting set-up, mass support for GAA and total neglect of football, it's a wonder we're not one of the worst teams in Europe. Irish football fans have an inflated notion of their country's footballing prowess. That comes from historically having some of the best players in the English league. Those days are gone, and we are left with a sadly inflated opinion of ourselves, and a lot of hot air, most of it originating from the national broadcasters' studios, about 'playing to win.' In our dreams.We are now, according to John Delaney, a fourth seed. Looking at the amount of effort we put in, as opposed to waving bananas or whatever at Lansdowne or wherever, that's about right."

"Because we've relied on British clubs to develop our international playing pool, and the game at home has been woefully neglected on all levels - the coaching is dire and it's a fluke when a decent player comes along - it's inevitable that, when British clubs are no longer as interested in our players as they used to be, that our international standard would fall.I think that's the longest sentence I've ever written.The bottom lines are: a) we need better coaches, especially at 'starter' level, b) we should end competitive football for young players, and focus on developing technique, c) we need a proper pyramid system for clubs at all levels, along with regional development plans that focus on the local EL club(s), and d) we should encourage teenage players to stay at home, finish their education, and move up naturally through the various levels before moving abroad at a more mature age. Sending kids to British clubs at the age of 15 is child abuse.We also need EL clubs to stop acting like a nutcase at a Vegas roulette wheel putting the deeds of his house on black. Or red."

"The fact of the matter is that, apart from being a small nation, which always seems to be forgotten, we also are not a footballing nation.Other than a minority whose sanity is doubted by everyone else, we do not support football past underage level, and our sporting and media establishments actively sabotage senior football.We are, collectively, a spoilt child in a footballing McDonalds, demanding the sugar-rush of USA-EPL 'glory' and WC and Euro qualification, without ever eating our spuds and veg and doing our homework.I have no problem with someone getting upset about John Delaney and Stan and the players, but in order to have tantrum rights they should be able to demonstrate a minimal commitment to the sport on this island. My bet is that 95% of the those ludicrously whinging that we're the laughing stock of Europe, all the while dressed in a tricolour afro wig, do not support national league football."

Now tell that to Joe Duffy...